Man Acquires Mouse for His Pocket to Correctly Refer to Himself as "We"

Phil McKraken, of Halethorpe, MD, grew tired of people asking him if "he had a mouse in his pocket" whenever he referred to his friends and himself engaging in an activity together. When he would say to his friends, "Hey we better get to the store", they would ask him if he "had a mouse in his pocket" to justify why he said "we" instead of just mentioning that he himself was going to the store. Problem solved now that Phil purchased a mouse to carry around in his pant's pocket.

Popeye's baby Tries to Kill Raven

How's your favorite NFL doing? Well, the Ravens' Jacoby Jones almost got decapitated last night while riding on a party bus in Washington, DC. Popeye's baby threw a bottle at his head! This can't be good news.

During last night's MNF broadcast, Jon Gruden Realizes Peyton, Eli, and Archie Manning All Related

While dissecting the Bronco's exploitation of Oakland's 'cover two" defense during last night's Monday Night Football broadcast, ESPN football analyst Jon Gruden suddenly figured out that Denver quarterback Peyton Manning is the brother of Giants' quarterback Eli Manning, and that they are both former Saints' quarterback Archie Manning's sons. "I guess it makes sense but I totally never saw it," admitted Gruden.

Shocking: Essex Man Seen Eating Same Sandwich On Same Day At Five Different Locations

Baltimore authorities documented an Essex man who was seen eating the same sandwich at five different locations on the same day, last Thursday, September 19. At 11:30am the subject was seen leaving a Subway at 1127 Eastern Avenue, taking the initial bites out of a newly-purchased foot-long Italian cold-cut sub. At 12:41, he was spotted in front of the Wal-Mart at 6420 Petrie Way in Baltimore city, taking more bites out of the sub. At 1:33 pm, there he was again at a Towson bookstore on Joppa Road continuing to devour the sandwich. At 3:17 he was noticed at the Light Rail station in front of Oriole Park in downtown Baltimore chomping away. With mayonnaise dripping onto his hand, he showed up in front of the RC movie theater in Arbutus, still working on this same sub. The day-long nightmare seemed to come to a merciful end at 4:22 when he was crumbling up the sub’s wrapper and throwing it into a trash receptacle near the AMF Bowling Alley on Ritchie Highway in Glen Burnie.

Crack Back, Blu Shows Balls, Electronic Crack Pipe...Mothu Fucka!

Everyone hates all dem damn smokers. However, they can't throw them smokers out of their clubs now because of Blu Electronic Cigarette. Well, even more people hate crack pipe use, so the brains down at R & D at Blu didnt need a house to fall on them to take the logical next step....Electronic Crack Pipe. 

Benefits Over Traditional Crack Pipes

• No Ash, No Smell
• No rock smoke, only vapor (well, if thats what they want to call it)
• Smoke in many places where traditional crack pipes aren’t allowed!
• Over 50% cheaper than buying crack pipes..less messy
• More socially acceptable than regular rock

Orioles hold Odd and Ambiguously Offensive "GiveAway" Night

Remember the Star Trek episode “Amok Time” where Captain Kirk pretends to die after a fight with Spock? William Shatner’s death scene in that was shorter and less painful to watch than the Orioles sad and protracted season’s end. To make things worse, the Orioles had one of the strangest “giveaway” nights on record last Thursday when they promoted a free Chris Davis lawn jockey to the first 37,000 fans in attendance. Of course, 38,000 people showed up for the game. Luckily, only about 200 of the 1,000 people left out of getting a Chris Davis lawn jockey even owned front yards. Fucking Orioles.  Aww, just kidding, still love dem O's.

When There Was A Food...

If you remember when Pizza Hut used to serve the "Priazzo" then you are very lucky, and most likely, old. But the "Priazzo" was greater than anything ever created. It was a pizza baked on top of a pizza, with what inside? Yes, a pizza. That's three pizzas. And they were all baked. Awesome!

We Celebrate: Least Inspiring Bible Verses..Genesis 3:19

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Rick Steves Accidentally Enlists in French Foreign Legion

You'd think if you are Rick Steves, host of "Rick Steves' Europe", that you'd be able to get around Europe  without accidentally signing up for the French Foreign Legion. Not so. The poor bastard was headed to Bruges, Belgium but ended up enlisting in Légion étrangère. 

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Diana Nyad's Shocking Admission

Diana Nyad, while addressing the controversy about her recent swim from Florida to Cuba, made a shocking admission:“ I can’t fucking swim. Not a stroke. I’m afraid of being in the bathtub. If I could swim, would I swim from Florida to Cuba? Hell, no, what am I, stupid? So, you all happy now?” Nyad made this admission at a press conference in front of a pool of reporters. Pool of reporters? Get it? Nice!

Da National Football League, Bitches

Here are this year's NFL picks...NFC..Cowboys, Packers, Saints, Falcons, 49ers, Seahawks...AFC..Patriots, Dolphins, Ravens, Bengals, Texans, Broncos. SB.. Ravens over 49ers.

Orioles Announce Renovations to OPACY

The Baltimore Orioles announce today plans to erect a model of constructivist architect Vladmir Tatlin’s Monument to the Third International, the ‘Tatlin Tower’, on the outfield concourse of Orioles Park at Camden Yards in time for the 2014 season. Cool!

Rick Steves Gets Lost in Cleveland

Rick Steves, host of the popular PBS program “Rick Steves’ Europe” was recently seen muttering to himself and cursing in frustration while inside the Cleveland, Ohio, Greyhound bus terminal.  Onlookers were dismayed to see Steves becoming confused at the ticket counter, utterly and hopelessly turned around, and clueless as to what to do or whom to go to for assistance.  Steves was last seen trying (and failing) to hail down a taxi cab on Chester Avenue.

MLB Joke of The Week

Why were the Orioles too intimidated to ask the Atlanta Braves out on a date? They were afraid that the Braves were out of their league!

Big "Mad Men" News

Season 7 of "Mad Men" has some big surprises in store, but none bigger than this bit of inside info that we have obtained: a new character will be introduced. He will be a mysterious stranger who drifts into town and opens a bar/ club. His name will be "Mr. Man." He will be central to all the story lines. So, be on the look-out for "Mr. Man". But remember- you didn't hear it here.

Minor League Player has Cup of Coffee with Orioles

Scott Phree, a utility infielder for the Oriole's Double AA team Bowie Baysox, stopped by the team's office on Eutaw Street today and enjoyed himself a heaping cup of fresh hot coffee.

No Longer Squeaky

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme not only got out of prison in 2009, but she also just found out that she has inherited the WD-40 Corporation, the producer of the household product WD-40. “Squeaky” now owns WD-40? You can’t make this stuff up…although in this case you can.

Shocking Development...

All time, thought, consciousness, and existence itself nearly came to a screeching halt last Tuesday, April 23^rd, at 2:17 in the afternoon at the work offices of Pullman and Sons when William Paement from accounting, in attempting to see if his pen was working properly, restrained from scribbling on a co-worker’s paper out of respect for the co-worker.  Instead, Mr. Paement proceeded to check the amount of ink in his pen and went forward from there. It was the first time in the recorded history of offices that this had happened.

Dundalk Oil Change

Do you think you have had a weird day? Well, I know I was having one the other day when I went to the Dundalk Lube Center for an oil change and discovered that the oil-changing business was now being operated by the Skeleton Army from the “Jason And The Argonauts” movie from 1963. I can’t say much for their customer-service techniques, but I did get a lube job to a fare-thee-well. It was made all the stranger since I didn’t bring in my car. Just kidding. I guess what was really strange is that the Skeleton Army from the “Jason and the Argonauts” movie of 1963 was running a “Lube Center”.

 

Dead Thatcher

Let me take you back to a simpler time, a time when Washington DC was a bubbling cauldron of scorching heat. A time of the summer of 1986 when I was employed as a bellhop at the Washington Premier Hotel. The Washington Premier Hotel was a magnificent paean to the wealthy elite and bragged to all that, unlike the “Watergate Hotel” no burglaries there had ever been successfully attempted or not attempted.  Who did I see but none other than the Great Margaret Thatcher walking with her entourage into the lobby? Unfortunately for me, I was tired from the night before trying to create a mixed-tape on a Sony recorder.  When Mrs. Thatcher asked me to get her bags, I ill-advisedly answered, “Hey, you’re the Iron Lady, you carry your own bags.” Oops. Probably not the best thing to say to a visiting dignitary and Head of State. That summer was great afterwards working at Shakey’s Pizza.  Yet another reason to hate England.

Lucy Explained It all..in 1956

 A ‘lost episode” of “I Love Lucy” entitled “The Red Bird Sings” (original air-date: October 12, 1956), was recently unearthed by Lorimar Productions. The episode, guest-starring Phil Silvers as Lucy's therapist,  focuses on Lucy finally explaining to Ricky everything she had needed to explain throughout the run of the show. A “lot of explainin’ to do” was done. All of it..Lucy’s “love me” Daddy issues, her constant need for attention, her wicked narcissism, her relentless self-absorption, and her obsessive desire to be in Ricky’s shows. The upshot was that it was all brought on by profound abandonment issues from childhood. Conversely, there has yet to be an episode unearthed that satisfactorily explains Ricky’s friendship with Fred Mertz.

NFL Joke of the Week

Why did Ozzie Newsome shave his head? He wanted to make more cap space!