Catonsville Man Unwittingly Walked Around for Three Weeks in "Skipper" Pants

Ben Dover, of Catonsville, MD, walked around for the last three weeks wearing the same pants as 'Skipper" Jonas Grumby from 'Gilligan's Island'. "Everywhere I went, people were breaking up when I'd leave..I wasn't sure why, at least now I know." A little upset that no one informed him of what he was doing at at earlier point, Dover was grateful that a co-worker left an anonymous note on his desk last Tuesday. "Thank God, someone finally told me, but it would have been nice if it would have been sooner." Luckily, no one was injured in the three weeks of wearing the "Skipper" pants.

The Fall- And Rise of the Birds of Baltimore

It feels like autumn. The Bengals stopped by downtown Baltimore last night and, like many who come in from out-of-town, weren't ready for some Baltimore. Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco threw the rock all over the field, man, it was crazy. Speaking of crazy, in baseball the rest of the major leagues look in utter terror at the horrifying grotesque that is the macabre Oriole symbol, the grim rictus of the Bird. Horrifying to them because they can't figure out how a team with so little on-paper talent can win so many games. Get used to it baseball, we're going to scare the hell out of you in the next month. Okay maybe not scare you but hopefully pull a couple of upsets!

Dallas Cowboys

After much soul-searching, the Dallas Cowboys have decided to forego one of their team’s greatest traditions- the act of pretending your team has recovered every fumble regardless of how obvious it is that you didn’t. The tradition was created by Bob Lilly in a 1970 Thanksgiving Day game against the Washington Redskins when, after a Redskin’s fumble, Lilly began to leap up and down and excitedly point towards the Cowboys end-zone even though it was clear that the Redskins had maintained possession. After that play, the Cowboys have replayed this act each time a fumble occurs in one of their games. Will the Cowboys stick to their vow to end this embarrassing tradition? We will see tonight!

NFL Predictions 2012

All the MFers out there be making outside-the–box NFL predictions for 2012. I’m making my predictions all inside da box. Of course you know I pick the Ravens to win it all. The teams in the AFC to go with the Ravens into the play-offs will be the Patriots, Steelers, Texans, Broncos, and Chargers. The NFC will give us the Giants, Eagles, Packers, Bears, Saints, and 49ers. The Packers will meet (and lose to) the Ravens in the Big Superbowl Game. Got it?

Close Call at the Romney Office

You know that scene in movies where someone leaps and shouts “nooooo” while everything goes in slow motion? It’s usually when the protagonist of the film is trying to stop something such as a bomb from going off, a baby from being dropped, or a gun from being shot. Turns out the exact scene was played out at Mitt Romney’s office the other day when Mitt’s secretary buzzed him with the warning, “sir, Mr. Eastwood coming in to see you.” Well, being anything if not alert, Mitt made the cinematic slow-motion “nooo” leap towards the wall before Clint could open the door. Mitt yanked down his J.D. diploma from Harvard before Clint could see it…since Clint said the country doesn’t need “lawyers” in roles of leadership anymore. Whew, that was close!

Christie vacates convention!

What had happened was that Chris Christie had to leave his speech at the RNC to go help Tony rescue Christopher and Paulie from the Pine Barrens when the Russian that Christopher and Paulie were trying to whack escaped and left them there with no food and no car. Wow!

Shocking News from Hollywood

Hollywood was rocked by the stunning news recently revealed in Variety magazine that Hunter Vladamir, a promising young director working on his independent film directorial debut, has passed on featuring the actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt in his film. It is reportedly the first time a promising young director working on an independent feature film directorial debut has taken such action. Story developing....

President of the Day: Today we Celebrate: James K. Polk

MLB Joke of The Week

Why will the Orioles be too much for the Fortune list of top US companies? Because they will be greater than .500! 

Not so Fast, Republicans!

Figure this out: Jesus is sending Isaac, ie the bartender from the Love Boat, to Tampa Bay, ie Florida's version of Hoboken, to put a stop to the Nazis, ie the Republicans, from nominating the bully from the "Karate Kid', ie Mitt Romney, as President. I know it sounds like a lot of "ie's" but its all true!

Whats the Word?

Dr. Henry Jay Heimlich (born Henry Judah Heimlich; February 3, 1920) is an American physician who has received credit as the inventor of abdominal thrusts, more commonly known as the Heimlich maneuver. Did you know that this same Dr. Jay Heinrich Heimlich has a grandson, Cody, who is the star quarterback of the Garden City New Jersey Fighting Huguenots? Which just happens to be the most powerful high school football team on the entire eastern seaboard? Did you also know that this team was favored by three touchdowns against the Edison New Jersey Tungsten Filaments? But as the game unfolded, Heimlich missed open receivers, fumbled snaps, and generally crumbled under the pressure of securing an easy Championship victory. All coaches and local newspapers were at a loss as to how to adequately describe the phenomenon of a favored team failing to win a game through the actions of one player not performing anywhere near his capability. Sadly, grandpa could only stand on the sidelines and do nothing to prevent this from happening. Weird! 

Paul Ryan

Hey everybody, Paul Ryan got hisself two laws passed in 10 years in Congress. Thats two more laws than I got through in no years in Congress. One was a law about a tax on arrows; the other, naming a post office. As I said, better than me. 

Bad Brain News From Sweden

The Swedish Institute on Brain Research, otherwise known as "Svenskt Institue på hjärnforskning", has released some disturbing news: contrary to the myth that we are only using ten-percent of our brains, the truth is we are actually using closer to 99 percent of our brains. Some motivational speakers and professional athletes are somehow using 110 percent of their brains. Well, guess there's no reason to hold my calls now. 

Today We consider: Awkwardly Composed Drawings of Past Presidents

From the Files of the Library of Congress.Rutherford B. Hayes and Cabinet

Tim Tebow Boycotts Chick-Fil-A, Loves Him Some Texas Roadhouse

Jets Quarterback Tim Tebow said today that he thinks Chick-Fil-A should go "suck on his cleats" as he always hated the place, and not for any insensitive remarks but rather because "waffle fries are just creepy," and the Chick-Fil-A ad with the frightened, illiterate,  cows, "is kind of a sick play of the whole anthropomorphic angle in ads today." What does Tebow like? "I like the kind of steak you can only get at Texas Roadhouse.  I like a noisy, cavernous, dark restaurant, where Texas paraphernalia is ubiquitous. And I love them hand-cut Steak fries!”

President of the Day: Today we Celebrate: President Martin Van Buren

Apples and Oranges

Oh the papers will tell you that you can't compare apples and oranges. But what if you did? Even though they are separated by 90 million years in evolution, they are both fruit trees. Do you really think that they are similar? Have you ever tasted either an apple or an orange? We will have to agree to disagree on this topic. 

Cha Sun Hwa

여기 차 일 정화라는 여성입니다. 그녀는 한국의 모델과 그것에 아주 좋은 하나입니다. 그녀의 그림이 가난한 블로그에 대한 관객 연행 바랍니다. 아마도 당신은 블로그에 웃으면서 사진을 본 후에 그것에게 반환됩니다. 내가 잘 좋겠다.

James Earl Jones

James Earl Jones, termed "one of the greatest and most versatile actors in American history", has been ordered by his physician to use a medical ventilator due to breathing difficulties brought on by recent health concerns. The use of this machine has caused a deep, drawn-out inhaling and exhaling sound, followed by a click, to go along with his iconic voice every time he speaks. In the bidness we refer to this as either "severe irony" or "magical realism."

Dundalk Man Regrets Fulfilled Wish

Hal Dorchrock, of Dundalk, Maryland, has expressed to family and friends his regret for his "one wish". When given the opportunity to have or to be anything he wanted in the Universe, Dorchrock made what seemed like a brilliant choice at the time..to become Kate Upton's bicycle seat. In a Faustian turn of events, it turns out that Upton, a world-famous SI Swimsuit model, only bikes a couple of times a year. "I spend a great deal of time just sitting in a dark storage area," explains Dorchrock. "While the few times that I've gotten to enjoy my wish have been great, I should have, perhaps, done a bit more research into Upton's habits".

What the What???

The ESPN world-wide broadcast of the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest mysteriously scored 0.0 Nielsen ratings in the countries of Burundi, the Congo, Zimbabwe, Liberia, and Eritrea. Executives at the sports broadcasting juggernaut were at wits end in determining the reason for the low ratings of a sporting contest where dufuses stuff large quantities of food in their mouths as quickly as possible. Weird!