Great Week for Romney Campaign!

Mitt Romney's bid for President of these here United States got a much needed burst of fortunate news when it was discovered that a bank error netted the Governor 200 dollars, while at the same time he received 25 dollars for services rendered. Not bad at all. 

NFL study reveals shocker: "Holding" penalty can't really be called on every play

A ten-year study by the NFL revealed a myth-busting shocker: despite what everyone thinks, "Holding" by offensive linemen cannot be called on every play if the refs really wanted to look for it. Sue Pine, from the NFL office, explained that, after reviewing every offensive play from the last ten years, only about 20% of plays could draw a “holding” penalty. Weird, huh? What's weirder, that or the fact that this blog would be posted instead of just admitting there was nothing to post? You decide!

Mel Kiper: "This Year's Draft "one giant clusterf**k"

Mel Kiper's assessment of how teams did in the draft is "pretty much they all did awful." Wait, you mean every team did 'awful'? "Yes, every team did awful. Total disaster, from Cleveland to Miami. Choice after choice, wrong, wrong, wrong. All wrong. The current crop of general managers couldn't make a good draft choice if it fell out of the sky and hit them in the face. Pathetic. Especially horrendous were Dallas, Pittsburgh, the Rams, and Giants. Nothing but bad picks. But they aren't alone by any means. Everyone just basically sucked at the draft this year."

2012 NFL "Mock" Draft

Hey this is 2012 NFL "Mock" Draft. Hey, you 2012 NFL draft, you sure are a stupid draft; yeah I've seen better drafts at the church social. Aw, did someone hurt your widdle feelings, NFL draft? Yeah, I know, you're the NFL draft, you're all too good. Wow, you sure do suck, you NFL draft in 2012. You are the most worthless piece of excuse for a draft anyone has ever seen...Okay, so that's enough of the Mock draft.

Today, A Walk in the Woods..

Today I went for a walk in the woods. While walking, the sight pictured above appeared before me. God? I asked God why, if one wants to reference someone as being a person who can cleverly build anything out of anything, one only has the one example: MacGyver, a fictional character who was depicted in a drama that ended in 1992? Why aren't there any more recent examples of someone who can make a perpetual motion machine out of duct tape and a Swiss army knife? Then I thought, perhaps this is not the best use of time with the All Mighty. Then I thought, maybe that’s just the sun through some trees. Damn. That's some crazy stuff that happens when you go for a walk in the woods in Baltimore.

James Cameron Marries Titanic

Film director James Cameron is not a man to be trifled with. For a decade and a half, everywhere he went, people taunted him with the following jibe: "Hey Cameron, if you love the Titanic so much, why don't you marry it?' This is not a man with whom you want to present a challenge. Just last night, Cameron announced that he and the Titanic were married at the Albany State House. A quiet civil ceremony will be followed up with a week-long getaway to the Poconos. "I've been married before," said Cameron, but I think this one will really anchor me down." Get it, 'anchor me down?' That’s some good stuff from the newly-betrothed film director. “I came with a lot of baggage to the marriage, while all her baggage dissolved on the cold North Atlantic floor,” Cameron added. Good luck, you crazy kids. I guess you really are 'King of the World' now, James. 

On Braunschweiger

The finest food ever developed in modern times has been kept somewhat of a secret until now. This food is so malleable, so nutritious, so tasty, and so perfect, it will change your life forever with one taste. It was born in the town of Braunschweig, Germany. It is: Braunschweiger. A type of liverwurst, it is comprised of 40% pork liver, 30% pork jowl, 20% lean pork trimmings, and 10% bacon ends and pieces. Is there any part of that that doesn't scream delicious? We have but this one life, would it be wise to spend it not tasting this epicurean delicacy? No, it would not be wise. Get on down to the market and buy a batch right this minute. Oh yeah, get some bread too..you'll be wantin' to make a sammich!

Wow, You’re Rich…Super Rich!

Hey, you all, guess what, I'm the winner of the Maryland Mega Millions. Naw, you got me! You know what they say about someone who says they won some mega millions, but still gets on the computer to post to a stupid blog? "they lyin' ". Oh well, I met this lady the other day who told me she thought about naming her son "Randolph Emerson Baxter Astor III." I said, 'Wow, lady you must be rich to have a name like dat' and she said, "what rich, my last name is Johnson." Okay, so you all have a very lovely afternoon!

Happy Easter

Medical Shocker!

Kevin Windbanks of Essex Maryland sent shock-waves through the medical establishment on Monday evening. As a patient at St. Mercy Hospital in Baltimore, MD, when asked by a physician what his level of pain on a scale of 1 to 10 was, Windbanks replied "a 3". This occurred even though Windbanks had been receiving doses of morphine for his pain throughout his stay. "In 50 years we've never heard a patient in that situation give a rating of less than a 9," explained a St. Mercy Hospital administrator. Incredible!

Shock: Gingrich Makes Startling Claim Regarding President Obama

President Obama said his son might look like Trayvon Martin. Newt Gingrich called this remark "disgraceful." David Plouffe, adviser to President Obama, called Gingrich's remarks "reprehensible". Gingrich fired back today with a stunning proclamation aimed at the President. "President Obama, I am your father!" Note: Gingrich went on an "Up with People" trip to Hawaii when he was a sophomore in high school. 

TV Review: "Mad Men" Blew Chunks

After almost 4 years of patiently awaiting the new episode of "Mad Men" I anxiously sat in front of my television for the new episode hoping to see what happens to the gang at Sterling Draper Vincent Price Ad agency, martini in hand. Wait, if you haven't yet seen the episode please read no further as it will destroy your enjoyment. Okay then the episode begins, wait are you sure that you want to read further? This could really mess things up for you if you haven't seen it. It will annihilate your television viewing experience. Let me continue. Okay so the year is sometime in the 1960's. Wait, are you really certain that you want to continue, knowing that the pleasure that you derive from viewing this television masterpiece could be spoiled by reading further? By reading a review, it will remove all surprises. If I were you, I wouldn't read on. Don't read on, it will mess things up for you. You have so little to live for, what purpose would be served by reading a review of a show you haven't yet seen? Why would you destroy the enjoyment of this program, something you've been waiting so long for, by reading this? I can’t really go on; I don’t trust that you haven’t seen this episode and reading a review will ruin the only enjoyment you get in your sad little life. The good news for you is that the show was horrible beyond words.  

Tebow's Gracious Gesture to Manning

Tim Tebow's selflessness knows no bounds. While most players would have spent their last hours on a team that has traded them sulking or keeping to themselves, Tim Tebow dedicated the final hours of his tenure with the Broncos helping the QB who has come to replace him. "I can't believe how great this guy is," remarked new Denver QB Peyton Manning. "I told him I was going on a ride in the Rockies and he volunteered to look over my car and adjust the brakes for me. I can't believe he has been so gracious". When asked what adjustments he had made on the vehicle, Tebow responded, "oh..just nothing."

Shock: Manning's New Work Ethic

Peyton Manning, widely considered to be the hardest working player in the NFL, shocked the Denver Broncos when he revealed, after the contract signing, his new work ethic. Manning explained: "I was always the first guy in, last guy out at practice. I'm 36 years old man, maybe being the third or fourth guy in and the, say, tenth guy out, won't kill anyone. I mean, no point in being crazy. As far as watching film before games, what they going to teach me that I don't already know? Besides, I'll have plenty of time to watch football highlights when I retire. They asked me if I am already working out routes with my receivers. Whoa! Like there isn't going to be enough time for that in the next 5 months?"

Romney to Campaign In Arbutus Today, Town Buzzing with Anticipation

MLB Joke of the Week

Why did the Orioles bring a trampoline with them to Florida? They were told it was time for Spring training!

Arbutus Woman Recounts Brush with Greatness

Dorothy Shringle of Frederick Ave, Arbutus, recounts her "brush with greatness' in 1964. Shringle says she was visiting Paris, France, on a trip with her church group when she stepped into the elevator at her hotel. Shringle explains: "A black man with a dog walked into the elevator. The man said 'Lay down, Lady.' Naturally, I thought I was being robbed. Scared, I did as the man said, and laid on the floor of the elevator. The man looked at me with utter confusion. He got out at his floor and walked on. Years later, I realized that man was none other than the writer James Baldwin and that he had been commanding his dog, named 'Lady', to lie down." Wow!

Interview with a Seamus

GQ Italia, the Italian-edition of GQ magazine, recently obtained a coveted interview with none-other than Seamus Romney, former pet of Gov. Romney and family. Seamus, now 30 years old (210 in dog years-wow!) calls home the back of an arts-supply store in Dover, Delaware. In the interview, he recalls his now-infamous ride in a crate on top of the Romney station wagon for a 15 hour family trip to Canada. Seamus displayed a surprisingly ambivalent feeling about the incident. "'Seamus', they all say," said the Irish Setter, "tell us about the crate, the car, the ride. Please. Whatever, okay? I rode in a crate on top of a car. Is this so amazing? I’ll tell what would have been amazing- actually riding in the car with that family. Can you imagine this? 15 hours in a stale-air station-wagon listening to them sing 'John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt' a million times over. Now for that, I would have deserved a medal. It would have been something. And watching the Father (Gov Romney) check himself out in the rear-view mirror for the thousandth time? I would have preferred they drop me off at the pound."

Catonsville Man's Magnificent Unwitting Discovery!

Edward Nigel, from Catonsville, MD, recently joined the ranks of the great geniuses of their day who discover more by accident than most of us do on purpose. Did you know that the product "post-it" was created by accident; the inventor of it was trying to make a chemical agent which glued things together permanently? It’s true. Likewise, Mr. Nigel inadvertently combined his "Lucky Charms" cereal with his "Frosted Mini-Wheats" and entered some kind of ecstatic level of breakfast nirvana on Thursday morning. Goes to show you, you never know!