Popeye's baby Tries to Kill Raven

How's your favorite NFL doing? Well, the Ravens' Jacoby Jones almost got decapitated last night while riding on a party bus in Washington, DC. Popeye's baby threw a bottle at his head! This can't be good news.

During last night's MNF broadcast, Jon Gruden Realizes Peyton, Eli, and Archie Manning All Related

While dissecting the Bronco's exploitation of Oakland's 'cover two" defense during last night's Monday Night Football broadcast, ESPN football analyst Jon Gruden suddenly figured out that Denver quarterback Peyton Manning is the brother of Giants' quarterback Eli Manning, and that they are both former Saints' quarterback Archie Manning's sons. "I guess it makes sense but I totally never saw it," admitted Gruden.

Shocking: Essex Man Seen Eating Same Sandwich On Same Day At Five Different Locations

Baltimore authorities documented an Essex man who was seen eating the same sandwich at five different locations on the same day, last Thursday, September 19. At 11:30am the subject was seen leaving a Subway at 1127 Eastern Avenue, taking the initial bites out of a newly-purchased foot-long Italian cold-cut sub. At 12:41, he was spotted in front of the Wal-Mart at 6420 Petrie Way in Baltimore city, taking more bites out of the sub. At 1:33 pm, there he was again at a Towson bookstore on Joppa Road continuing to devour the sandwich. At 3:17 he was noticed at the Light Rail station in front of Oriole Park in downtown Baltimore chomping away. With mayonnaise dripping onto his hand, he showed up in front of the RC movie theater in Arbutus, still working on this same sub. The day-long nightmare seemed to come to a merciful end at 4:22 when he was crumbling up the sub’s wrapper and throwing it into a trash receptacle near the AMF Bowling Alley on Ritchie Highway in Glen Burnie.

Crack Back, Blu Shows Balls, Electronic Crack Pipe...Mothu Fucka!

Everyone hates all dem damn smokers. However, they can't throw them smokers out of their clubs now because of Blu Electronic Cigarette. Well, even more people hate crack pipe use, so the brains down at R & D at Blu didnt need a house to fall on them to take the logical next step....Electronic Crack Pipe. 

Benefits Over Traditional Crack Pipes

• No Ash, No Smell
• No rock smoke, only vapor (well, if thats what they want to call it)
• Smoke in many places where traditional crack pipes aren’t allowed!
• Over 50% cheaper than buying crack pipes..less messy
• More socially acceptable than regular rock

Orioles hold Odd and Ambiguously Offensive "GiveAway" Night

Remember the Star Trek episode “Amok Time” where Captain Kirk pretends to die after a fight with Spock? William Shatner’s death scene in that was shorter and less painful to watch than the Orioles sad and protracted season’s end. To make things worse, the Orioles had one of the strangest “giveaway” nights on record last Thursday when they promoted a free Chris Davis lawn jockey to the first 37,000 fans in attendance. Of course, 38,000 people showed up for the game. Luckily, only about 200 of the 1,000 people left out of getting a Chris Davis lawn jockey even owned front yards. Fucking Orioles.  Aww, just kidding, still love dem O's.

When There Was A Food...

If you remember when Pizza Hut used to serve the "Priazzo" then you are very lucky, and most likely, old. But the "Priazzo" was greater than anything ever created. It was a pizza baked on top of a pizza, with what inside? Yes, a pizza. That's three pizzas. And they were all baked. Awesome!

We Celebrate: Least Inspiring Bible Verses..Genesis 3:19

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Rick Steves Accidentally Enlists in French Foreign Legion

You'd think if you are Rick Steves, host of "Rick Steves' Europe", that you'd be able to get around Europe  without accidentally signing up for the French Foreign Legion. Not so. The poor bastard was headed to Bruges, Belgium but ended up enlisting in Légion étrangère. 

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Diana Nyad's Shocking Admission

Diana Nyad, while addressing the controversy about her recent swim from Florida to Cuba, made a shocking admission:“ I can’t fucking swim. Not a stroke. I’m afraid of being in the bathtub. If I could swim, would I swim from Florida to Cuba? Hell, no, what am I, stupid? So, you all happy now?” Nyad made this admission at a press conference in front of a pool of reporters. Pool of reporters? Get it? Nice!

Da National Football League, Bitches

Here are this year's NFL picks...NFC..Cowboys, Packers, Saints, Falcons, 49ers, Seahawks...AFC..Patriots, Dolphins, Ravens, Bengals, Texans, Broncos. SB.. Ravens over 49ers.