Original Pilot for "2 and 1/2 Men" Discovered

The original, never-before-aired pilot episode of 2 and 1/2 Men has been unearthed. Set in 19th-century Europe, Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer play two traveling brother magicians who accidentally saw a volunteer from the audience into two pieces when a illusion goes horribly awry. The brothers adopt the top half of the man and bring him along on their travels. A grotesque yet hilarious sexual situation ensues when the two brothers get into a fight as to whether the tone of the show is "Bergman-esque" or "Fellini-esque".

Whitney!

In a Very Special Episode of "Whitney", Whitney continues her descent into relationship humor by finally finishing a meal and rethinking if she should really have tried to pass her character off as 29 years old. She also is shocked to learn that Arnold and Dudley have been abducted by a bicycle-repair shop owner played by Gordon Jump.

Damn Damn Damn Damn

Ravens lose to the Chargers!

NFL Joke of The Week

Why did Philip Rivers apply for a MasterCard? He wanted to be a San Diego Charger!

Newt's Painful Moment

Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich endured a moment of extreme awkwardness when he met injured Marine Captain Rueben Chickensalad at a campaign stop today. Upon being introduced to the Marine, Gingrich said, “You, sir, are a hero”. Chickensalad responded with: “Sir, I’m no hero, a hero is a sandwich.” Gingrich’s unfortunate retort to the Marine was “Well, Captain Chickensalad, you are both a hero and a sandwich”. Following this exchange, both men sat grimly in absolute silence. 

Not Even a Hedgehog

The stupidity of Ronald Reagan.

By Christopher Hitchens|Posted Monday, June 7, 2004, at 1:03 PM ET

Neither a fox nor a hedgehog

Not long ago, I was invited to be the specter at the feast during "Ronald Reagan Appreciation Week" at Wabash College in Indiana. One of my opponents was Dinesh D'Souza: He wasn't the only one who maintained that Reagan had been historically vindicated by the wreckage of the Soviet Union. Some of us on the left had also been very glad indeed to see the end of the Russian empire and the Cold War. But nothing could make me forget what the Reagan years had actually been like.

Ronald Reagan claimed that the Russian language had no word for "freedom." (The word is "svoboda"; it's quite well attested in Russian literature.) Ronald Reagan said that intercontinental ballistic missiles (not that there are any non-ballistic missiles—a corruption of language that isn't his fault) could be recalled once launched. Ronald Reagan said that he sought a "Star Wars" defense only in order to share the technology with the tyrants of the U.S.S.R. Ronald Reagan professed to be annoyed when people called it "Star Wars," even though he had ended his speech on the subject with the lame quip, "May the force be with you." Ronald Reagan used to alarm his Soviet counterparts by saying that surely they'd both unite against an invasion from Mars. Ronald Reagan used to alarm other constituencies by speaking freely about the "End Times" foreshadowed in the Bible. In the Oval Office, Ronald Reagan told Yitzhak Shamir and Simon Wiesenthal, on two separate occasions, that he himself had assisted personally at the liberation of the Nazi death camps.

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There was more to Ronald Reagan than that. Reagan announced that apartheid South Africa had "stood beside us in every war we've ever fought," when the South African leadership had been on the other side in the most recent world war. Reagan allowed Alexander Haig to greenlight the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 1982, fired him when that went too far and led to mayhem in Beirut, then ran away from Lebanon altogether when the Marine barracks were bombed, and then unbelievably accused Tip O'Neill and the Democrats of "scuttling." Reagan sold heavy weapons to the Iranian mullahs and lied about it, saying that all the weapons he hadn't sold them (and hadn't traded for hostages in any case) would, all the same, have fit on a small truck. Reagan then diverted the profits of this criminal trade to an illegal war in Nicaragua and lied unceasingly about that, too. Reagan then modestly let his underlings maintain that he was too dense to understand the connection between the two impeachable crimes. He then switched without any apparent strain to a policy of backing Saddam Hussein against Iran. (If Margaret Thatcher's intelligence services had not bugged Oliver North in London and become infuriated because all European nations were boycotting Iran at Reagan's request, we might still not know about this.)

One could go on. I only saw him once up close, which happened to be when he got a question he didn't like. Was it true that his staff in the 1980 debates had stolen President Carter's briefing book? (They had.) The famously genial grin turned into a rictus of senile fury: I was looking at a cruel and stupid lizard. His reply was that maybe his staff had, and maybe they hadn't, but what about the leak of the Pentagon Papers? Thus, a secret theft of presidential documents was equated with the public disclosure of needful information. This was a man never short of a cheap jibe or the sort of falsehood that would, however laughable, buy him some time.

The fox, as has been pointed out by more than one philosopher, knows many small things, whereas the hedgehog knows one big thing. Ronald Reagan was neither a fox nor a hedgehog. He was as dumb as a stump. He could have had anyone in the world to dinner, any night of the week, but took most of his meals on a White House TV tray. He had no friends, only cronies. His children didn't like him all that much. He met his second wife—the one that you remember—because she needed to get off a Hollywood blacklist and he was the man to see. Year in and year out in Washington, I could not believe that such a man had even been a poor governor of California in a bad year, let alone that such a smart country would put up with such an obvious phony and loon.

However, there came a day when Mikhail Gorbachev visited Washington and when the Marriott Hotel—host of the summit press conferences—turned its restaurant into the "Glasnost Cafe." On the sidewalk, LaRouche supporters wearing Reagan masks paraded with umbrellas, in mimicry of Neville Chamberlain. I huddled from dawn to dusk with friends, wondering if it could be real. Many of those friends had twice my IQ, or let's say six times that of the then-chief executive. These friends had all deeply wanted either Jimmy Carter or Walter Mondale to be, presumably successively, the president instead of Reagan. They would go on to put Michael Dukakis and Lloyd Bentsen bumper stickers on their vehicles. No doubt they wish that Mondale had been in the White House when the U.S.S.R. threw in the towel, just as they presumably yearn to have had Dukakis on watch when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. I have been wondering ever since not just about the stupidity of American politics, but about the need of so many American intellectuals to prove themselves clever by showing that they are smarter than the latest idiot in power, or the latest Republican at any rate.

Tim Tebow responds to Rick Perry's Comparison

At last night's Republican debate, Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Bronco's QB Tim Tebow. Shortly thereafter, Tebow responded by comparing Rick Perry to a "small grove of Pecan trees not far from my house". All of which makes me think now is as good as time as any to get on the Tim Tebow bandwagon. 

Protesters protest, protesting "protesters"

"Time" magazine just named the "Protester" as Person of the Year. A bunch of right-wing people got all in a huff about this and organized outside the Time headquarters at 1217 Avenue of the Americas in New York City with signs and yelling, raising a ruckus. The right-wing people apparently were all upset because 'Time" gave an award to the "Occupy Wall-Street" folks. So, yes, they were having a protest to protest protesters. 

Movie Review: Hugo

On a Tuesday afternoon, I decided to take in the film “Hugo”, a 3-D extravaganza directed by none other than Martin Scorsese. I purchased my ticket and was handed the 3-D glasses. I purchased a soda and walked toward “theater 9”. All of a sudden, I became dizzy and the entire lobby became some kind of surrealistic blur. I stumbled disorientated down the hall, having to resort to bracing myself against the wall to guide myself along. Confused, and yes, a little frightened, I stopped and stood motionless, not being able to navigate my way any further. Finally, a girl working at the theater approached me to tell me the 3-D glasses don’t go on until you’re seated in your theater. While it was quite an experience, for all the stress this caused, I can’t possibly recommend “Hugo”.

Lowe's Baffling Response to Muslim Controversy

A spokesperson for Lowe's Home Improvement Stores, the company who withdrew sponsorship of a reality-show depicting American Muslim's because of pandering to racists a@@holes, responded to the controversy with the following confusing statement:
"Try Aisle 3 near fixtures"..Odd.

Bronco's Kicker to Tim Tebow: "Hey buddy, thanking your Lord and Savior is great and all but what about me, I'm kicking the shit out of the football"

Bronco's kicker Matt Prater doesn't mind his QB Tim Tebow thanking Jesus, but would like Tebow to maybe show some gratitude to the fact that he has been kicking 59 yard field-goals over the past two months. The man has a point..maybe 3!

Marion Barber also fails to recognize boundaries in everyday life

Chicago running-back Marion Barber received negative reaction for running out of bounds in Sunday's game against the Broncos, thereby stopping the game clock and giving QB Tim Tebow the opportunity to win the game. Ironically, it isn't the first time he has been called out for having 'boundary issues." One friend reported, "Marion's a great guy, but sometimes he crosses the line in conversation and asks questions he shouldn't". A family member agreed, saying: "Marion sometimes doesn't know where to draw the line and show some tact." Another irony about Marion..he's named Barber but have you seen the guy's hair? 

NBC rolls out new show: Fear Factor: Social Anxiety Edition

NBC rolled out a new Fall replacement program tonight- a spin-off off Fear Factor in which individuals with social-anxiety disorder are paired up and must compete in various contests of social experiences such as returning an item to the store, speaking up at the office meeting, or asking someone out for coffee. 

Broadcaster decries Liberal's rejection of Jeffersonian Inventions

Radio talk-show host Mark Levin nearly blew a gasket today on his show during his rant on the "liberal-progressive-Alinsky-radical-socialist's rejection of not only the US Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, but of the various inventions of Thomas Jefferson including the Dutch moldboard, the polygraph, and the wheel cipher." Wow!

Local Curmudgeon's Startling Claim: "I may not know everything"

Oscar Seymour of Halethorpe, Maryland, made a stunning pronouncement today while sitting on a bench at the street corner. "I may be old but that doesn't mean I know everything," said Seymour. "In fact, there's a great deal   that I don't know. I'm not that educated, nor do I really read the papers." Seymour's declaration became even more startling when he added, "I really shouldn't be giving out an opinion at all on most topics." 

Gingrich divorces, remarries, during debate... audience applauds

Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich not only artfully dodged any questions about his personal life during last night's Republican debate, he also managed to file for divorce and marry one of his assistants while the debate proceeded. Sneaky!

Arbutus Man treats self to "combo" meal at local McDonald's

Doug Welder of Arbutus, Maryland, decided to treat himself to a "combo" meal at McDonald's on Saturday afternoon. "Lately I've been getting just the quarter-pounder with cheese, but today I opted to add the fries and soda for something like 79 cents more," said Welder.

Colts suffer nail-biting loss in pick-up football game with "Occupy Baltimore" protestors

The Indianapolis Colts fell to the "Occupy Baltimore" Streetlamps 41-38, when Lem 'Homeless Guy' Johnson completed a 50 yard pass to Finn 'haven't told my parents I've dropped out of Hopkins' McGee. Colts coach Jim Caldwell called it one of his teams guttiest performances of the year. Citing the 38 points put up by his offense, Caldwell reiterated his preseason declaration that "this team will prove that the Colts are about more than just Peyton Manning."

Retired Essex Man, with good credit, excellent pension including health insurance, grown kids living on their own, and paid-for house, passes on Motorcycle purchase

Bill Grubs, from Essex, Maryland, a retired government worker, recently decided against the purchase of his first motorcycle. Despite a great deal of time on his hands and no financial burdens, Grubs decided against buying a Harley-Davidson. Neighbors as well as local church officials were startled by the news and have offered support to Grubs and his family.

Gingrich's Latest Proposal: Swaddling Clothes

Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich rolled out his newest idea to foster values in the infants born from the 47% of Americans who “pay no federal taxes.” Gingrich’s statement reads as follows:

“What’s missing from these infants is something both the Baby Jesus and I experienced in our earliest years: the wearing of the swaddling clothes. I would make it mandatory for all poor babies of poor parents. I really, really, loved my years in the swaddling clothes. You can’t beat swaddling clothes when you’re a baby. Just ask me and Baby Jesus."